I know it's hard But I can still hear it beating So if you flash your heart I won't mistreat it I promise

Artist- The Temper Trap
Song of the day- Love Lost

So I hated running in school. Like I would have anxiety over the days in gym where I knew we had to run a mile, and am pretty sure I had a nervous breakdown and quit my career in volleyball after being unable to run sprints. In hindsight I'm not sure what my problem was but at the time it was the most physically exhausting thing and encompassed an emotional pain and dread I could not express. As I watched the video for today's song (after falling head over heals for this song) I realized I'm having those same feelings again, but like all through nursing school. Like grad school is one long mile run with rain pouring and the need to vomit out of exhaustion and pain never far behind. But the thing is, I remember meeting some of my best friends at the end of the line, when I couldn't keep up running in with the star athletes in school. Towards the back of the line we'd have chats about how ridiculous the process was, we'd joke about the stupidest things and learn about each other through this freaking awful long journey we were forced to go on together. And luckily, grad school's been the same way. You're constantly running beside people who are covered in the same mud you are, being yelled at by the same crazy coaches to keep pushing yourselves, and you learn the same dance routines to make the run as entertaining as possible. So here's to all you runners and those you run beside. If your love is lost, I hope you find it.



Our love was lost
But now we've found it
Our love was lost, was lost
And hope was gone

Our love was lost
But now we've found it
And if you flash your heart, your heart
I won't deny it
I promise

I promise

Your walls are up
Too cold to touch it
Your walls are up, are up
Too high to climb

I know it's hard
But I can still hear it beating
So if you flash your heart
I won't mistreat it
I promise

I promise

Our love was lost
In the rubble are all the things
That you've, you've been dreaming of
Keep me in mind
When you're ready
I am here
To take you every time

Oh, our love was lost
Lost, lost, lost, lost..
Our love was lost
But now its found

I know our days are heaven sent lord knows I know not where they went

Artist- The Steeldrivers
Birthday Song of the day- Heaven Sent

Life and my mind have finally slowed just in time to celebrate the day of my birth the best way I know how, through song. Some of the best gifts I get are songs and the most recent my friend Kate gave me, which feels oh so appropriate on how I'm feeling about being older and only closer to more probable health problems (thanks for teaching me that nursing school!). Being almost a year older I realize I know even less than I thought about life, am more immature than I thought possible, but on the bright side still pass for an adolescent so can pull off this total cluelessness pretty well. So here's to another year older, perhaps smarter, perhaps wiser about not being wise, and just maybe more youthful than this old soul expected to be...but alas already too many gray hairs than this old soul expected to have.



I know our days are heaven sent
lord knows I know not where they went
shake my head and I wonder how
I'll ever get to heaven now


An angel came one winter dawn
you shoulda seen what she had on
wind was whistlin' like its rain
she left again just like she came


I know our days are heaven sent
lord knows I know not where they went
shake my head and I wonder how
I'll ever get to heaven now


I move around a lot these days
honky tonks and broad freeways
the same thing that I've always done
but I'm older now and I get tired some


I know our days are heaven sent
lord knows I know not where they went
shake my head and I wonder how
I'll ever get to heaven now


Those who think they hold the cards
I send out my kind regards
Those who love to those who care
I'll meet you down the road somewhere


I know our days are heaven sent
lord knows I know not where they went
shake my head and I wonder how
I'll ever get to heaven now


I know our days are heaven sent
lord knows I know not where they went
shake my head and I wonder how
I'll ever get to heaven now

I'll ever get to heaven now

And my beating heart Will pour out a symphony

Artist- Phil Wickham
Song of the day- I will wait for your there

sometimes i feel me talking about a song lessons it's awesomeness and that everything in the song speaks for itself. or maybe i'm just tired of talking and waiting to listen. It's nice to just sit and listen at what you might hear. it's what i like to do on sundays. I was scared I talked too much about god or played too many god songs on here, but i guess as someone told me this week they knew I was either super religious or not at all. guess I'm the former, I didn't used to want to be, I used to hide it as much as I could, the word itself still makes me roll my eyes. but sometimes my super religious/spiritual side is the only one that makes sense. and plus i like bonfires and acoustic guitars being played by them. so here's to you super spirituals or not at alls and whatever you might be waiting for.



I will wait for You there
Down on my knees where I met You
Give You all of my cares
Find a grace to hold onto now
I’m calling for You

I will wait for You there
far from the world and it’s violence
It left broken and bare
I need to hear You in the silence now
I’m calling for You

And with outstretched arms
I will sing out melodies
And my beating heart
Will pour out a symphony
Hallelujah’s in the morning
Hallelujah’s in the night
I will wait for you as long as I have life

I will wait for You there
Down On my knees where I met you
Cause life is a war fought with tears
But You are the strength I hold onto now
I’m calling for you

This is where do you go music, this is come home music This is down to the wire I'm such a perfect angel music.

Artist- Hockey
Song of the day- Song Away

I tend to write in circles after a while, I've come to notice this in my writing. And it seems by song of the day blog writing pattern is: mildly depressing song, mildly depressing song, dance break. I wish I could perhaps get out of this vicious cycle, but alas I am a creature of habit and it seems about that time for a dance break. What can I say I enjoy 80s like music, I enjoy hipstery parties, and have a warm place in my heart for awkward party goers (seeing as I'm usually in the later category). And though I can usually be found by the food table, sometimes letting yourself go and dancing crazy is just an option you can't pass by. And lately I feel as though I'm counting down the days to something whether its good or bad, to a party or to my next test times seems to be flying and I can't seem to catch up with myself. So as always, I've come to the conclusion to dance it off and count my days via songs. Currently tomorrow is about 9 songs away for me and mostly likely go: mildly depressing, mildly depressing, dance break, etc. So whatever your musical time pattern is may you let yourself go a bit and at least throw a dance break in every now and then.



Make me a deal and make it good for me
I wont get full of myself, coz i cant afford to be
This is small town music, this is big town music
He's ahead of his time you know but, he cant use it
If only he could prove it

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

Hey

See what your man has done to the world
see what the world has done to your man
You know im leaving you, you dont need me
Lovin you wasnt always so easy

This is believe me music, this is forget me music
This is who can love me you know, this aint no roxy music
This is new form music, this is old form music
This is i paid attention not some makes his prediction music
Oh he could let me use it

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

Not wanting to write a truthful song over an eighties groove
I like to let you know I'll always be straight with you
I stole my personality from an anonymous source
And I'm gonna pay for it too, I dont feel bad about that
Give me my chance back

This is on the rise music, this i novelty music
This is who can blame music, I dont get fooled by it
This is where do you go music, this is come home music
This is down to the wire I'm such a perfect angel music.
Who really tries

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

This is success music and whats it to ya?
My lawyer always says these are the fact about the future well

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

Am I here? Of course I am, yes All I need is your hand to drag me out again

Artist- Frightened Rabbit
Song of the day- The loneliness and the scream

I've had this song on repeat today after spending a good hour and 3 half albums looking for what musical mood I was in. And it was a very frightened rabbit mood. The song is very different then most songs about loneliness that are more static and dark where this one has a kinetic feel which is so unique and persevering that always makes my step slightly quicker when I listen to it, like I'm running to get out of it, running towards the scream. And just when I thought I couldn't love the songs lyrics, clapping and chanting more, I saw the video and it just about broke my heart to little pieces and made me want to buy aviator goggles at the same time. It captures something so perfect and tragic and happy and mad in an everyday life that you know you've passed by this person tons of times and though you've never seen their entire day, know this is what they are experiencing just by looking into their eyes. and man old men just kill me. so here's to the loneliness and the scream we run towards or away from.



Can you hear the road from this place?
Can you hear footsteps, voices?

Can you see the blood on my sleeve?
I have fallen in the forest
Did you hear me?

In the loneliness
oh the loneliness and the scream
to prove to everyone that I exist
in the loneliness
oh the loneliness and the scream
to bring the blood to the front of my face again

Am I here?
Of course I am, yes
All I need is your hand
to drag me out again

It wasn't me, I didn't dig this ditch
I was walking for weeks
before I fell in

To the loneliness
oh the loneliness and the scream
to prove to everyone that I exist
in the loneliness
oh the loneliness and the scream
to fill a thousand black balloons with air

Fall down, find God
just to lose it again
glue the community together
we were hammering it

Fell down, found love
but I can lose it again
but now our communal heart
it beats miles from here

Childhood living is easy to do The things you wanted I bought them for you

Artist- The Sundays
Song of the day- Wild Horses
So you may have noticed I haven't posted in a while. Sorry for the lack of songs in your life, I just have been quite busy with surviving school and quite honestly haven't been inspired to write about anything as it feels a bit lately like I"ve just been going through the motions. Which then reminded me of this song I like from my favorite tv show of all time. Which I hadn't thought about in a while till my sister sent me a link reminding me it is my favorite fictional character's birthday. Now to back up even further, my friend Kate used to tease me about this claddagh ring I always wear and the relationship revelations it symbolized. And I told her it wasn't the reason I wore the ring and that I would never disclose the actual reason for it was far too embarrassing. However, perhaps it's because I've stopped caring about things, or that I think my large amount of nerdiness should surprise no one at this point, or that it is a special fictional day I thought I'd share the reason.

I wish my favorite fictional character was someone cool and classy like Holden Caufield or Anna Karenina but I still argue is slightly less lame than having an Edward Cullen or Gossip Girl as a hero. My fictional hero, kicked ass, saved lives and looked hot doing it. But more importantly it's where I learned being weird or nerdy could be cool and dry wit can save you in any situation. My personality came from that show, I fell in love with stories because of that show, I became a writer cuz of that show, my belief in helping people came from that show. And when I felt like a dorky loser throughout my teenage years, I felt normal for at least 45min every week thanks to this gang of misfits. Anyway, my hero used to wear this silly ring on her finger from her undead boyfriend that when I was 15 years old I had to have. And found that I never really took it off cuz when I would feel dorky or unhelpful I'd look down at it and remember all the things I could be and all the places I've been because some fictional character showed me the way. So here's to you Buffy Summers on your 30th birthday and the cheezy ass song you danced with your vampire boyfriend with at prom. I will still love it more than any Rolling Stones song. Thanks for existing, at least in the fictional world.



and just for good measure or anyone else going through the motions, this one's for you. yes I'm a nerd, this i have accepted.





Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am,
You know I can't let you slide through my hands

Wild Horses,
Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses,
Couldn't drag me away...

I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines,
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild Horses,
Couldn't drag me away,Wild, wild horses,
Couldn't drag me away...

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken tears must be cried,
Let's do some living after we die

Wild Horses,
Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses,
We'll ride them someday

Wild Horses,
Couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses,
We'll ride them someday

She has the power to go where no one else can find me And to silently remind me Of the happiness and the good times that I know, got to know.

Artist- James Taylor
Song of the day- Something in the way she moves

I was talking with my friend this weekend about my parents and who I was most like. Without hesitation I say my father, always joking about not being pleased I look like a dude or that my dad gave me his insomnia, bad back or people pleasing skills and lacked giving me his mathematical super power or perfectionism. But in reality if I have an inch of the heart my dad has for others for god for doing good, well then I will be one of the greatest people you will ever meet, and I am so I must have gotten some of his good traits haha j/k. So I know that this song is about how fantastic this gal is, but it will always remind me of my father. Thankfully I didn't inherit his horrible never in tune vocals, but I can't hear this song without hearing him singing it to me in the car during long drives. And the look on his face and how pleased he was and how much he loved this song and how I'd believe he was singing it about me. Which might have been a trick to make me forever love James Taylor, but it worked and I do. And it was in my head all day while my dad was in surgery and when I felt worried or antsy I kept thinking of his face singing me this song and it made me feel fine.



There's something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.
And if I'm feeling down and blue,
Or troubled by some foolish game,
She always seems to make me change my mind.

Chorus:
And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,
She's around me now
Just about all the time
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,
She's been with me now quite a long, long time
And I feel fine.

Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go.
She has the power to go where no one else can find me
And to silently remind me
Of the happiness and the good times that I know, got to know.

Chorus:
And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,
She's around me now
Just about all the time
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,
She's been with me now quite a long, long time
And I feel fine.

It isn't what she's got to say
But how she thinks and where she's been
To me, the words are nice, the way they sound
I like to hear them best that way
It doesn't much matter what they mean
If she says them mostly just to calm me down

Chorus:
And I feel fine anytime she's around me now,
She's around me now
Just about all the time
And if I'm well you can tell she's been with me now,
She's been with me now quite a long, long time
And I feel fine.

Your Name is sweeter than the rain that falls upon the face of dry and weary land and causes us to turn our face again

Artist- Grungor
Song of the day- Higher

I've often been at odds with a lot of contemporary christian worship songs. They can easily seem forced, fake or just cheezy. I think there's a Simpson's episode that describes writing christian music as replacing the word "baby" with "Jesus" or vis versa in any love song. So I've grown a strong appreciation for Grungor's new album and the subtle but humble take on it. There's is a strong Sufjan Steven's feel without overplaying it, making it an extremely personal song and universal at the same time. But also this overwhelming calm like floating down a still water river. And sometimes that's all you need in life is to get back to that still calming place, when everything gets too complicated and you can step back and appreciate what you know is true and what will get you through. So here's to your still quiet places, may you find yours or may it find you today.



There is no one there is no one like You
no one like you
in heaven or on earth

only good things can ever come from you
even your judgment
is righteous and true

Your Name is sweeter than the rain that falls upon
the face of dry and weary land
and causes us to turn our face again
Your Name be praised
and be lifted higher

There is no one...

With every morning there are mercies new
Your kindness
brings us back to you

Your name is stronger than the pain
it's covering the shame of all these weary hands
and causing us to turn our face again
Your Name be praised

Shooting off vicious collections of words The losers make facts by the things they have heard And I find myself trying hard to defend them

Artist- The Avett Brothers
Song of the day- All My mistakes

I woke up about 5:54am with this song in my head and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure about a lot of things lately. And usually in this state I ask god what the hell is up and usually he doesn't tell me. This is how I know he has a sense of humor cuz instead he tells me other stuff. Like over break my friend was at this conference and told me to watch the live web cam of it to see if I could spot him. I of course didn't see him at all but did listen to one of those christian speaker preachers in khaki shorts and an untucked button down shirt that I find quite annoying for a number of reasons. But he kept talking about the concept of giving and not just people giving but god giving back.

Now I like to think I have a good amount of faith, but I know people who make no money, go to third world countries with their bundle of kids and just pray for god to support them as they help the sick and poor. And He does! I have heard stories of people running out of food, almost losing homes, sick and they don't have anything to rush to for help but god and boom on the doorstep bread appears from some neighbor who had extra, or that check in the mail that will make their payment or a lady pulled off life support and no brain waves come back chattier than ever. You may not buy these stories. I am far too logical to grasp it, but when I was in Montana surrounded by these people with crazy beliefs they told me just ask god for something. I couldn't think of anything, it wasn't one of those "purpose driven life" ask god for a mansion and he'll get you one, just something you want for whatever reason, not world peace just something for me. So I thought about it, couldn't really come up with anything i was desperate for so I settled on a tiny guitar. I wanted to be able to have something with me I could take anywhere easily and play whenever I wanted. Now I found this to be quite a stupid request but whatever I didn't really need it so I went on with my life daring god to prove me wrong. I had forgotten about this till watching the annoying preacher talking about giving when i realized holy crap there's a ukukele in my lap which I take everywhere and play all the time. I did not buy this uekulele it was given to me by a very nice man I have never met for no particular reason. He did not know me two years ago when I asked for what I didn't even know I would need oh so much more two years later. God gave it to me when I needed it no sooner no later.

Now feel free and brush this off as hapinstance. But maybe what I've learned or am still being taught about giving is that it never ends. I carried this piece of torn paper in my wallet for about 10 years now. it's a verse I found in my grandma's coat pocket after she died that she had written down. And last month I put it in this journal I gave to my sister over christmas. God told me to so I didn't really think about it and just did it. It was like the thing of my grandmas I cherished after she died and would like take it out and look at when I needed a pick me up. But giving it away felt right. And though my mom was desperate to find something else of my grandmas for me to replace it, I didn't really give it another thought. But tonight when I was having my what the hell moment with god I spotted this book I had brought back from my parent's house this christmas. It was a book of verses I guess my grandparents had given to me when I was little. I shoved it in my suitcase without looking at it. But tonight I kept staring at it, not feeling like opening it cuz I was busy having it out with god. Then I was like ok fine opened it to a random verse on salvation, rolled my eyes and was like gee thanks for nothing. Then I opened the front cover and found this note my grandma had written to me when she gave it and she wrote a verse underneath. Psalm 37:5, the same verse, the same hand writing of the note I kept in my wallet for 10 years. And in the middle of crying to god I just started laughing, holy crap you gave me something that I was sure was impossible to replace, from beyond the grave even! excatly when I needed it, not sooner, not later. The thing about god that people don't always tell you is that he asks that you give him everything. Your trust. Your will. Your whole life. That you give it all away. Which, I like my life I like my way, why would I give that up? Besides the so many other reasons is that he gives it back to you, but bigger. Bigger than you can imagine. In my life I know will continuely stop trusting and he will always give me reasons to trust him. He does that with everybody we just don't always realize it. We focus on the things taken away or we're giving up but don't always see when what we get back is so much greater. Maybe not always what or when we wanted, but needed. I hope you get something great back today. I hope you trust, I hope you wish and give big and get back bigger! What does today's song have to do with all this? I don't know it was just in my head all day, you tell me!





Shooting off vicious collections of words
The losers make facts by the things they have heard
And I find myself trying hard to defend them

I made decisions some right and some wrong
And I let some love go I wish wasn't gone
These things and more I wish I had not done

But I can't go back
And I don't want to
'Cause all my mistakes
They brought me to you

I have some "friends" they don't know who I am
So I write quotations around the word friends
But I have a couple that have always been there for me

And I missed some fun 'cause I worked through the dawn
Expecting your praise when I returned home
But I paid the cost 'cause I got left alone for the songs

But I can't go back
And I don't want to
'Cause all my mistakes
They brought me to you

And I don't know where to look My words just break and melt

Artist- Snow Patrol
Song of the day- Make this go on forever

I've been listening to a lot of Snow Patrol lately, cuz well they are just so gosh darn good and it's like an emotional hay day listening to their albums. But today's song and this video made me sad I've never seen them live. To see the last 20seconds of this already incredible song live would be an experience in itself. There's something about being totally exposed and open and the ability to so artistically pour your heart out to an arena of strangers that is terrifyingly courageous and lovely. The entire orchestration of the song like a rising heartbeat as the heart breaks in this sea of memories, every note and beat fits with the emotion he is expressing, hmm that's probably the gosh darn goodness that makes the band so great to listen to. So here's to emotional hay days and the songs that drive us to / get us through them.



Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness [x2]

I’m not the one you want, babe I will only let you down

Artist- Bob Dylan
Song of the day- It ain't me babe

Over my holiday break I began a growing fondness for Dylan. I know I'm pretty late in the game but I've always known he was a great writer, but having this song on repeat for hours on a plane I really began to appreciate his voice which at one time was like nails on chalk board (or what I call Tom Waits). There are some songs that are just so strong in content other stuff matters less, but I like his rough, quirky, imperfect voice on this track in particular cuz it's about being imperfect. It's about knowing what you should be and being too aware of your faults and what you're not. I don't know why I find sad and harsh realizations like this kind of beautiful, almost romanticize it in a way. The last thing my mom told me before I left was to stop being so hard on myself so maybe I should stop romanticizing as much. But if anyone out there is seeing more the "ain't" and not the "is" at the moment, this one's for you.



Go ’way from my window
Leave at your own chosen speed
I’m not the one you want, babe
I’m not the one you need
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Never weak but always strong
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe

Go lightly from the ledge, babe
Go lightly on the ground
I’m not the one you want, babe
I will only let you down
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Who will promise never to part
Someone to close his eyes for you
Someone to close his heart
Someone who will die for you an’ more
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe

Go melt back into the night, babe
Everything inside is made of stone
There’s nothing in here moving
An’ anyway I’m not alone
You say you’re lookin' for someone
Who’ll pick you up each time you fall
To gather flowers constantly
An’ to come each time you call
A lover for your life an’ nothing more
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe

The joy and misery

Artist- Cold War Kids
Song of the day- Hospital Beds

I've started back at school and about to begin an intense 12hr clinical in the ICU. And as I think about it more, get more excited about what I might learn, what I might see, and getting more freaked out by what I might learn and what I might see, I start to think of this song. I've hated hospitals, had a phobia of hospitals and now will stay in one for half a day and then eventually probably most of my life. Thinking about taking care of critically ill, that word critical alone is intimidating. Someone who needs so much, who is at the brink of so much, and literally putting there existence into somebody else's hands. No wonder they call it intensive care. By I like their description in this song, "Joy and Misery". Both can be found there in a hospital. Life is given and life is taken away there and you get to experience those most crucial moments of life with total strangers, people you didn't choose but learn their stories and share the good and bad that no matter how long it may be for together. It's brutal and beautiful, scary and exciting, difficult and draining and worth something. even in a hospital bed, we're all worth something.



There's nothing to do here
Some just whine and complain
In bed at the hospital
Coming and going
Asleep and awake
In bed at the hospital

Tell me the story
Of how you ended up here
I've heard it all in the hospital
Nurses are fussing
Doctors on tour
Somewhere in India

I've got one friend
Laying across form me
I did not choose him
He did not choose me
We've got no chance of recovery
Sharing hospital
Joy and misery
Joy and misery
Joy and misery

Put out the fire, boys
Don't stop, don't stop
Put out the fire on us
Put out the fire, boys
Don't stop, don't stop
Put out the fire on us

Bring the buckets by the dozens
Bring your nieces and your cousins
Come put out the fire on us

Vietnam fishing trips
Italian opera
Vietnam fishing trips
Italian opera

I've got one friend
Laying across from me
I did not choose him
He did not choose me
We've got no chance of recovery
Joy and hospital
Joy and misery
The joy and misery
The joy and misery
The joy
The joy
The joy
Misery

Put out the fire, boys
Don't stop, don't stop
Put out the fire on us
Put out the fire, boys
Don't stop, don't stop
Put out the fire on us

Bring the buckets by the dozens
Bring your nieces and your cousins
Put out the fire on us

Giver of immortal gladness, fill us with the light of day!

Artist- Cast of Sister Act 2: back in the habit...haha that's even embarrassing to write
Song of the day- Joyful Joyful

So today as I was leading worship songs for a group of wide eyed toddlers (in between their crying and fisher price Noah's ark playing) I found myself struggling for the perfect hand motions. Now I quickly learned that toddlers are much more interested in dancing out their emotions than singing them and though I could remember the interpretive dance for having "peace like a river" and "love like the ocean" I struggled for describing "joy like a fountain". Surpassing the notion that having "joy like a fountain in my soul" made zero symbolic sense to me. I for the life of me, could not come up with how joy looked. I was baffled for several infinite seconds till all I could do was jump frantically with a ukulele in my hands. And could tell by their faces and frenzy jumping that I made the right choice. However, later when I went to "big church" the thought was brought to mind again as we sang today's song (in a more folkish way). But the meaning of the word continued to baffle me. What does joy actually mean? It's bigger than happiness, mixed with content, but classier than ecstatic. And as I listened to the four verses of these elegant lyrics written hundreds of years ago, the fervent excitement behind the word began to make sense. And reminded me of the super cheesed out oh so 90s version in today's song. But before Jennifer Love Hewitt freaked me out, Lauren Hill won grammys then went crazy, and Whoopi was the coolest nun since Julie Andrews, I was a girl in uniformed private school, learning about being good and a God that didn't like when i was bad, this idea of what joy looked like totally blew the lid off my idea of god and the kind of joy he could bring. Lyrics like, "hearts unfold like flowers before thee, opening to the sun above." That is joy you can't contain, that's a joy that exists in strife, washes away darkness, a joy you have to jump and dance around (and apparently badly rap about) because no other hand motion can contain it. May that joy be yours today, and if it's not try and jump around with dancing toddlers, they tend to lead you in the right direction.



1. Joyful, joyful, we adore thee,
God of glory, Lord of love;
hearts unfold like flowers before thee,
opening to the sun above.
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness;
drive the dark of doubt away.
Giver of immortal gladness,
fill us with the light of day!

2. All thy works with joy surround thee,
earth and heaven reflect thy rays,
stars and angels sing around thee,
center of unbroken praise.
Field and forest, vale and mountain,
flowery meadow, flashing sea,
chanting bird and flowing fountain,
call us to rejoice in thee.

3. Thou art giving and forgiving,
ever blessing, ever blest,
well-spring of the joy of living,
ocean depth of happy rest!
Thou our Father, Christ our brother,
all who live in love are thine;
teach us how to love each other,
lift us to the joy divine.

4. Mortals, join the mighty chorus
which the morning stars began;
love divine is reigning o'er us,
binding all within its span.
Ever singing, march we onward,
victors in the midst of strife;
joyful music leads us sunward,
in the triumph song of life.

It comes and goes in waves I am only led to wonder why Why I try

Artist- Greg Laswell
Song of the day- Comes and Goes in waves

I seem to be one of those times in my life where god shits on your head. Now before getting completely offended by this statement let me explain. It comes from a while back where my friend was having an already bad time of it and then as she was walking her dog a bird pooped on her head. Probably outraged by life at this point, I tried to explain to her that maybe it was god trying to get her attention. That all this stuff was happening cuz god was trying to teach her something, show something, reveal something. Like the more she tried and tried to makes things work out there was a reason they weren't. Refusing to accept it we keep plowing on trying to work it out on our own and then god shows you who is boss...he shits on your head. perhaps this doesn't make sense and is only humorous to myself, but this is the best way to describe how I've been feeling lately. I don't know the reasons why, I don't know the lessons behind it, those usually come in hindsight anyways. And truthfully instead of looking for the lesson I get caught up in the feelings, the trying to survive it, the just trying to make it through the storm of poo. But that way it only subsides for a while and makes me think of this song. The same friend can always tell when I'm caught in the middle of my own storm and will ask me if I'm okay, if I'm sad. And the only thing I can seem to muster up as a response is "sometimes" as if more words than that would engulf me in a typhoon. At least our way it comes and goes in waves, but the lesson god will forever continue to teach me is to ride the wave. to not run from the storm but let it pour down on top of you. To keep trying when you don't want to. To keep loving when you lose the reasons, to keep believing when you forget how to. To stop fighting and to let go and let the storm take you where it's leading, till every so called wrong turn drops you right where you were always supposed to be. Perhaps it seems like too much optimism. But looking back on previous storms it's always amazing what I learn and what was waiting for me on the other side of it. So here's to your storm and your waves, may your ride it, may you wipe out, and may it carry you to shore.



This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time

This one's for the torn down
The experts at the fall
Come on friends get up now
You're not alone at all

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves, i....

This one's for the faithless
The ones that are surprised
They are only where they are now
Regardless of their fight

This one's for believing
If only for it's sake
Come on friends get up now

Love is to be made

And this part was for her
This part was for her
This part was for her
Does she remember?

It comes and goes in waves,
I am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I am only led to wonder why
Why I try

This is for the ones who stand
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the ones who think they can

It comes and goes in waves,
I am only led to wonder why
It comes and goes in waves
I am only led to wonder why
Why I try

so this is the new year. and i don't feel any different.

Artist- Death Cab for Cutie
Song of the day- The New Year

My new years eves always tend to be anticlimactic, almost as is if all my energy from the holiday seasons is gone. The new year however always brings the invitation to a start of something. A year ago at this time I was about to start something crazy I never thought I'd be able to do, a start of a new life, a new path, a new home which 365 days later almost feels like a home I've always had. It's so interesting, I've had a lot of new beginnings and will have a lot more to come. A year from now I'll be hopefully done witch school and starting a whole new adventure I can't even fathom. I always tend to do that around the holidays, try and figure out where I'll be this time around next year and I usually can't wrap my mind around it, but it always comes, rarely what I expected, often better often growing without realizing, changing without knowing till you take a step back and look where you've come from and where you will go and you begin to see the changes in your life. It's interesting, maybe sometimes anticlimactic but there is always something whether big or small, you may not feel different but something has always changed, its a product of life. The possibility of life. What could we become this year?



so this is the new year.
and i don't feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there'd be no distance that can hold us back.

there'd be no distance that could hold us back (x2)

so this is the new year (x4)