Shooting off vicious collections of words The losers make facts by the things they have heard And I find myself trying hard to defend them

Artist- The Avett Brothers
Song of the day- All My mistakes

I woke up about 5:54am with this song in my head and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure about a lot of things lately. And usually in this state I ask god what the hell is up and usually he doesn't tell me. This is how I know he has a sense of humor cuz instead he tells me other stuff. Like over break my friend was at this conference and told me to watch the live web cam of it to see if I could spot him. I of course didn't see him at all but did listen to one of those christian speaker preachers in khaki shorts and an untucked button down shirt that I find quite annoying for a number of reasons. But he kept talking about the concept of giving and not just people giving but god giving back.

Now I like to think I have a good amount of faith, but I know people who make no money, go to third world countries with their bundle of kids and just pray for god to support them as they help the sick and poor. And He does! I have heard stories of people running out of food, almost losing homes, sick and they don't have anything to rush to for help but god and boom on the doorstep bread appears from some neighbor who had extra, or that check in the mail that will make their payment or a lady pulled off life support and no brain waves come back chattier than ever. You may not buy these stories. I am far too logical to grasp it, but when I was in Montana surrounded by these people with crazy beliefs they told me just ask god for something. I couldn't think of anything, it wasn't one of those "purpose driven life" ask god for a mansion and he'll get you one, just something you want for whatever reason, not world peace just something for me. So I thought about it, couldn't really come up with anything i was desperate for so I settled on a tiny guitar. I wanted to be able to have something with me I could take anywhere easily and play whenever I wanted. Now I found this to be quite a stupid request but whatever I didn't really need it so I went on with my life daring god to prove me wrong. I had forgotten about this till watching the annoying preacher talking about giving when i realized holy crap there's a ukukele in my lap which I take everywhere and play all the time. I did not buy this uekulele it was given to me by a very nice man I have never met for no particular reason. He did not know me two years ago when I asked for what I didn't even know I would need oh so much more two years later. God gave it to me when I needed it no sooner no later.

Now feel free and brush this off as hapinstance. But maybe what I've learned or am still being taught about giving is that it never ends. I carried this piece of torn paper in my wallet for about 10 years now. it's a verse I found in my grandma's coat pocket after she died that she had written down. And last month I put it in this journal I gave to my sister over christmas. God told me to so I didn't really think about it and just did it. It was like the thing of my grandmas I cherished after she died and would like take it out and look at when I needed a pick me up. But giving it away felt right. And though my mom was desperate to find something else of my grandmas for me to replace it, I didn't really give it another thought. But tonight when I was having my what the hell moment with god I spotted this book I had brought back from my parent's house this christmas. It was a book of verses I guess my grandparents had given to me when I was little. I shoved it in my suitcase without looking at it. But tonight I kept staring at it, not feeling like opening it cuz I was busy having it out with god. Then I was like ok fine opened it to a random verse on salvation, rolled my eyes and was like gee thanks for nothing. Then I opened the front cover and found this note my grandma had written to me when she gave it and she wrote a verse underneath. Psalm 37:5, the same verse, the same hand writing of the note I kept in my wallet for 10 years. And in the middle of crying to god I just started laughing, holy crap you gave me something that I was sure was impossible to replace, from beyond the grave even! excatly when I needed it, not sooner, not later. The thing about god that people don't always tell you is that he asks that you give him everything. Your trust. Your will. Your whole life. That you give it all away. Which, I like my life I like my way, why would I give that up? Besides the so many other reasons is that he gives it back to you, but bigger. Bigger than you can imagine. In my life I know will continuely stop trusting and he will always give me reasons to trust him. He does that with everybody we just don't always realize it. We focus on the things taken away or we're giving up but don't always see when what we get back is so much greater. Maybe not always what or when we wanted, but needed. I hope you get something great back today. I hope you trust, I hope you wish and give big and get back bigger! What does today's song have to do with all this? I don't know it was just in my head all day, you tell me!





Shooting off vicious collections of words
The losers make facts by the things they have heard
And I find myself trying hard to defend them

I made decisions some right and some wrong
And I let some love go I wish wasn't gone
These things and more I wish I had not done

But I can't go back
And I don't want to
'Cause all my mistakes
They brought me to you

I have some "friends" they don't know who I am
So I write quotations around the word friends
But I have a couple that have always been there for me

And I missed some fun 'cause I worked through the dawn
Expecting your praise when I returned home
But I paid the cost 'cause I got left alone for the songs

But I can't go back
And I don't want to
'Cause all my mistakes
They brought me to you