And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before

Artist- Sara Bareilles
Song of the day- Uncharted

The purpose of this blog has always been to try and at the end of the day for whatever reason to find a song that might lift you up a bit, whether cheerful or sad, you could relate to and maybe make you feel lighter..and also to poor out my own  neurosis in the process. And though there had been many down in the dumps posts before, lately I feel like I've hit new uncharted territory of needing a pick me up desperately. So of late (and literally I mean it's 3:22am) I've been scavenging songs that can help keep me...and hopefully you going through these often rough adult times.
Today's song reminds me of a time in my life when I was contemplating leaving behind the life I had known in California to start a dream completely new and scary and I could quite possibly hate. I drove down to the beach and remember staring out in the ocean for a while and writing something in the sand...and too bad the word wasn't "uncharted" cuz that would now make for a great story. But as I stood barefoot in the sand I remember making that decision that whatever this next chapter brings I'm going for it.
And in those times and the times we feel we are drowning all alone in this particular life chapter it is important to remember that feeling is universal and why songs can be related to. Cuz as alone as we all feel through it, as much as no one can understand what we specifically are going through, songs prove that we aren't alone, that we have all felt it, are feeling it, and can sing along. So let Miss Bareilles and several other fantastically musical friends sing you through this uncharted area.



No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before, this is
No broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, too much to hold, everybody wants has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
Stuck under this ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

La la la-a-a-a.
Oh-h-h.

Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So alone, Never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started,
Oh-h
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...
La la la-a-a-a.

you can't explain away the way I feel

Artist- Mark Foster, A-Trak, Kimbra
Song of the day- Warrior

If I had a current anthem it would be today's song that has been on repeat non-stop since Converse released the free track the beginning of this month. I had already pre-planned my obsession with the song, for once you mix my favorite shoes, foster the people and kimbra, I'm pretty much guaranteed to like it. But I cherished it even more after reading Kimbra's reasoning behind her lyrics, "There's a war-cry at the heart of this song that I feel strongly about.... Will we raise our men and women to be strong in heart & 'to cry for the ones they love'? Or just automated to be strong in body and mind, but lacking in empathy? Hold onto your light.... follow it to the end... and fight the man! Preferably with a roundhouse kick to the face in a Luchadore mask and spandex leotard!!!"

Being a spirit first kind of person I embrace the war cry mentality and for weeks had decided this was my 'fight the man' mantra. Till today while I was running to the song and realized I WAS 'the man'. Having a difficult past few months of adjusting to a new job of facing people's emergent / traumatic events on a daily basis, the death of a dear old friend, and surprise intense surgery for my mother, I realized my immediate go to reaction was to push it down. As is usually how I react to dealing with any type of feelings. This false belief that in order to be strong you have to turn off your emotions will catch up with you in the end and or leave you crying in a grocery store at 10:30 at night while you are searching for whole clove spices....not that that is a specific example from my own life or anything.

The whole point of today's song is about embracing the emotional, spiritual side of ourselves and how it is the true source of our strength. Our hearts, our empathy, our light inside of us is magical. So here's to our softer side that makes us warriors, this mantra is for you.



My hands are tired
But my eyes are open
This modern denial

Has me broken

Nothing mystical

No hullabaloo
Just chemicals

And noone looking down on you

What am i thinking? (If you're so sure it's rational)
While the worlds shrinking? (but that don't make it logical)
What am i thinking? (If you say i'm just an animal)
I feel like I'm sinking (you can't explain away the way I feel!)

You're just pushing me down, pushing me down, pushing me down
(They tell you 'Trust your head, be like men' but never feel like you're good enough)
You're just crushing me down, crushing me down, crushing me down
(They wana take our light, make us fight, but never cry for the ones you love!)

(I'll be your warrior, warrior)

You're taking over
And I'm feeling small
When I was a child

I knew it all

Nothing magical

No hologram behind the door
Just a chain reaction

But I know i'm made for more!

What am i thinking? (If you're so sure it's rational)
While the worlds shrinking? (but that don't make it logical)
What am i thinking? (If you say i'm just an animal)
I feel like I'm sinking (you can't explain away the way I feel!)

And you're just pushing me down, pushing me down, pushing me down
(They tell you, 'Trust your head, be like men' but never feel like you're good enough)
You keep crushing me down, crushing me down, crushing me down
(They wanna take our light, make us fight, but never cry for the ones you love!)

And you're just pushing me down, pushing me down, pushing me down
(You wana change the world, but your girls will be seen and not be heard!)
You just crushing me down, crushing me down, crushing me down
(They wana take our light, make us fight, but never cry for the ones you love!)

And you save me

Artist- Gotye
Song of the day- Save me

I was trying to think of a good song for Easter, what should be the most important of holidays to me but often gets overlooked...by me. And though this is a "secular" song every time I hear it reminds me of god. And hearing Gotye perform it live with a clapping audience singing along, it was almost like church this morning. As a Christian I always heard we are supposed to have our "story" our "testimony" the why/how you became a christian and it changed your life. Though what I found being a christian at 6 when for some reason things like god just make sense, or if your a skeptic seems like you really have no idea what you're getting into, either way, I find that I just don't have one story but tons of small moments that brought me to the belief I currently have. However, though I had been a christian for 19years, I do remember the exact moment when god became 100% real to me and changed how I saw christ, how I saw myself, and how i lived my life from that moment on. Now I've been reading "traveling mercies" by a way more talented author whose "story" is much more dramatic, full of drugs and drama and a far more entertaining meeting with god. I actually never told this story cuz if you aren't me it doesn't seem like anything at all.

I was sitting in a missionary class in Montana, thinking about what the hell kind of mistake I had made giving up my totally hip life in LA to sit around with a bunch of naive teenagers trying to explain how to "hear from god." I grew up in a private school, I knew what prayer was and sat impatiently, contemplating how I would make it through two months till I could get to India, hang out with some poor people and try to be inspired enough or whatever to know what to do next, aka grad school, international social work, or run back to LA and forget this ever happened. Meanwhile someone younger than me was standing in front of my desk telling me to close my eyes ask god what he wanted to say to me, and sit around till i got an answer. I rolled my eyes, but realized my own cynicism and prided myself of being an open minded person to most every other culture, religion and lifestyle I should be able to do the same for my own beliefs.

So I closed my eyes trying to figure out how I would even tell if god said anything to me, how I would know it's not just my fiction writer brain making up stories and how long I'd have to do this awkward exercises. I tried to think what I'd think god would say so I would know it was my brain and not God. First I imagined he'd say something like "wow megan you totally gave up your sweet life in hollywood, your own dreams and comfort to go to india and help people. You are so selfless and awesome."...or..."I think you joined a weird cult and made some huge mistake, quietly sneak away while everyone has their eyes closed and get in your car." And as numerous ideas like this circled my mind, I got this weird picture in my head.

I was sitting outside of the classroom on the steps alone. And jesus was crouching down right in front of me, face to face, so close that our noses were almost touching.And both of his hands were cradling my face as he smiled and simply said, "i love you."

Now to the outside eye this is nothing miraculous in the least. And the picture itself wasn't to me either. But it was how I felt. How I could feel his hands holding my face and it was unlike anything I had ever felt in my life. If you know me, or spent enough time with me you will know that I "don't like to be touched" that I have a "phobia of physical contact" and I may have refereed to it as my "opposite love language" in a joking fashion. My shoulders tighten as you hug me and my face becomes an uncomfortable smile. Cuz usually when someone touches me, for reasons I don't know, blocked out, do know and don't want to address, things i've seen or experiences or perceived, the encompassing psyche that is me, makes me feel shame, guilt, fear, uncomfortable, unnatural, unworthy...mostly unworthy. Not in a theatrical, psychologically phobic way, just a whisper enough for me to avoid it.

But in that moment it was the total opposite of anything or thought I had before. I felt pure, and whole, and worthy, and beautiful, and complete, and loved. Not loved that needed to be convinced, or won over, or worked for but free, full, unconditional love and it blew my mind. Even love from my family and friends, though wonderful, could not compare to what I felt that moment. In that moment I knew 100% that god loved me, the way he saw me, believed in me. And that love made me fearless, made me not care about my past, who I thought i was or was going to be. I knew with that love anything was possible, everything was possible. And I also knew why so many people searched for any kind of love they could find, because however small or flawed, it was reflecting what this was.

The funny thing was, was that the teacher in front of the room said that usually the first thing people hear god say to them is that he loves them and I thought how unremarkable that was at the time. But when I really saw and felt it, it changed everything for me, just love. And I knew it wasn't my silly little mind playing games with me because I never told let alone allowed myself to think about why I had this weird little issue with being embraced. And within the 5 months I spent with these crazy people and in india, they hugged me every day, they loved me flawed and in their own flaws every day and I learned to hold them and what an embrace was capable of.

And if you know me now you still might see my shoulders tense and my awkward smile in a hug, but its mostly from years of a defense mechanism still breaking down or my new fear of knowing how much I really need it and not wanting to seem too desperate.

But love is what we are all desperate for. And to have felt love before I could love myself saved me. And if loving others, even with my imperfection and phobias can save others, then it's the most and best thing I can give. It reminds me of a two quotes
"...most of the time, all you have is the moment, and the imperfect love of the people around you.”

And

"Love makes your soul crawl out of it's hiding place"

I hope today especially, love finds you so you may be able to crawl out from where you're hiding



In the mornings
I was anxious
It's better just to stay in bed
Didn't want to fail myself again

Running through all the options
And the endings
Were rolling out in front of me
But I couldn't choose a thread to begin

And I could not love
Coz I could not love myself
Never good enough, no
That was all I'd tell myself
And I was not well
But I could not help myself
I was giving up on living

In the morning
You were leaving
Travelling south again
And you said you were not unprepared

And all the dead ends
And disappointments
Were fading from your memory
Ready for that lonely life to end

And you gave me love
When I could not love myself
And you made me turn
From the way I saw myself
And you're patient, love
And you help me help myself
And you save me
And you save me
Yeah you save me

You know there was death in Tallulah, Don't turn your eyes away

Artist- Company of Thieves
Song of the day- Tallulah

As you may have caught on, I am a big fan of female rockers. And one of the most underrated and under enjoyed is for sure Genevieve Schatz and Company of Thieves, which I was able to dance around like an idiot to with strangers tonight at their hometown concert. Schatz hits the bulls eye in vocal stylings and bad ass stage presence that has you dancing non stop and also feeling every lyric in their unique musical compositions. I have already fallen head over heals with their new album, especially today's song. The passed two weeks of sleepless nights worrying about my problems, my friends' problems, the world's problems (documentary Darfur marathon is a bad idea, lesson learned) and I began to get quite overwhelmed, as I do. But what I am continually taught will sound like my normal cliche B.S. But I think is best explained by today's song. Schatz explained that this song was written while they were on tour in Tallulah, LA. The entire town was abandoned, decayed and overwrought with death and at first they were frightened and sad at what surrounded them, but when they looked closer they saw the earth was reclaiming it. Vines were growing around blown out windows and greenery and life was slowly making its way back. So instead of a tragic song about a forgotten town, Tallulah is a celebration about life. So if you are feeling forgotten, overrun, and overwhelmed, this song is for you. Look closely, wait and see, don't turn your eyes away cause celebrating what you will overcome is worth the wait.



Soon there will be an excellent concert version of this song but till then, so you can appreciate the amazingness that is Company of Thieves:


We didn't have the money to tear it down, down
We didn't have the money to build it uh, uh, uh, uh, uh uh uh up
We didn't have the funding to make a name for ourselves?
What did you do?

Ooh girl. Be my girl!
You know there was death in Tallulah,
Don't turn your eyes away
Ooh girl! Be my girl!
You know there was death yeah

We didn't have the money to tear it down, down
We didn't have the money to build it uh, uh, uh, uh, uh uh uh up
We didn't have the funding to make a name for ourselves?
What did you do?

Ooh girl. Be my girl!
You know there was death in Tallulah,
Don't turn your eyes away
Ooh girl! Be my girl!
You know there was death yeah

Nothin' to see, or to learn, or to sell, or to send, or receive anymore
Ain't nothin' to see, or to learn, or to sell, or to send, or receive anymore
No one's home! Ain't no one home anymore.
No one's home!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ooh girl. Be my girl!
You know there was death in Tallulah,
Don't turn your eyes away
Ooh girl! Be my girl!
You know there was death yeah

You know, You know.
You know, You know!
You know, You know,
You know, You know? Yeah!

Looking for the prize but I don’t want blood I order one drink then I drink the flood

Artist- Hugo
Song of the day- 99 Problems

Now I have to say I've heard several renditions of this song and though my friend Original does my favorite version (tiny white girl schooling a packed karaoke club on rap will impress anyone), I heartily enjoyed this blue grassy version as I heard it while watching the Fright Night remake tonight. Collin Farrel, vampires, written by Marti Noxon and a soundtrack like this, how could this movie not be for me? And right now as real world problems are constantly spitting in my face, I can appreciate an optimistic song about it. Cuz I got a lot of problems and better than explaining all the things I have going for me, or how I'm better off then some people and my life ain't that bad....I feel more bad ass if I look at life the Jay Z way, I got 99 problems but this song ain't one.



If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems and a b*tch ain’t one

Tip my hat to the sun in the west
Feel the beat right in my chest
At the crossroads a second time
Make the devil change his mind.
It's a pound of flesh but it's really a ton
99 problems and a b*tch ain’t one

[Chorus]
If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems and a b*tch ain’t one
99 problems
But a b*tch ain’t one.

Like broken glass under my feet
I could lose my mind in this heat
Looking for the prize but I don’t want blood
I order one drink then I drink the flood
Well, you can come inside but your friends can’t come
99 problems and a b*tch ain’t one

[Chorus]
If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems and a b*tch ain’t one
I got 99
99
99
99
99 problems
But a b*tch ain’t one.

99
99 problems and a b*tch ain’t one

'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need

Artist- R.E.M. & Coldplay
Song of the Day- In the sun

I got to thinking about REM the other night after hearing a kickass cover of one of their songs and was trying to remember this Joseph Arthur cover they did with Coldplay back in the day. And just now as I re listened to it, it seemed to fit exactly how I've been feeling. I've seen a lot of people struggling of late with little or big things and in the midst of feeling the struggle myself and feeling of transition and caught in between, when I run out of answers, when I don't know how to help someone or help myself, there's something comforting and helpful in the chorus of this song. When you don't know what to do when you've lost hope it's nice to know it's not actually disappeared but it's out there for the finding. It might not be your own way it might not make sense but in your heart, in the heart of everyone there's a love to get us through.



I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I've got high hopes baby But all you do is take me down to depths that i never knew

Artist- Kimbra
Song of the day- Cameo Lover

This weird spring weather in Chicago has confused my body in not having the winter blues (which I didn't realize I was having till I stepped outside today). Each moment the lovely breeze (and not horrid ice wind) hit me I suddenly became excited by life and the prospects of riding my bike to friends house, strolling by the lake, going to outdoor concerts and bonfires and then I had to snap my body back into reality. That sadly this wasn't the beginning of spring and fun again, but creepy global warming weather and the probability of it snowing later in the week. Spring and fun times seem so far away at the moment. Yet this happy feeling came again when discovering that today's artist will be touring with Gotye which ensures not only seeing perhaps the up and coming hit song of the year performed live, but also getting to see my new fav artist and what will be not just a great dancy show, but might be the concert to see this year. Perhaps I'm speaking to soon, but do keep an eye on these Australians. And if you're feeling anything like I am in the midst of winter gloom, a cameo of happy fun times might just be the ticket to get us to spring, so open up your heart and let her pull you out.



This is nonstop baby
You've got me going crazy
You're heavier than i knew
But i don't want no other
You're my cameo love
Only here for a moment or two
You stay inside that bubble
With all of your trouble
In your black hole
You turn from the skies
You dance with your demise
I'll be here when you come home

We've all gotta break down
Let me come and break down with you

Cause everyday's like talking in your sleep!
Love is like a silhouette in dreams!
Open up your heart! Open up your heart
Open up your heart and let me pull you out
Everyday's like talking in your sleep!
Love is like a silhouette in dreams!
Open up your heart! open up your heart
Open up your heart and let me pull you out of here

I've got high hopes baby
But all you do is take me down to depths that i never knew
You've got two arms baby
They're all tangled in ladies of the black skies posing blue
Let go of your mother
And turn to your brother!
Not a long gone lover's noose
Sometimes baby the hardest part of breaking is leaving pieces behind you

Oh we've all gotta get by
Let me come and hold you high, with you

Everyday's like talking in your sleep!
Love is like a silhouette in dreams!
Open up your heart! Open up your heart
Open up your heart and let me pull you out
Everyday's like talking in your sleep!
Love is like a silhouette in dreams!
Open up your heart! Open up your heart
Open up your heart and let me pull you out of here

Open up your heart to me!
The sun won't shine if you're not looking
Baby love is all that you need

When everyday's like talking in your sleep!
Love is like a silhouette in dreams!
Open up your heart! Open, open, open

Everyday's like talking in your sleep!
Love is like a silhouette in dreams!
Open up your heart! Open up your heart
Open up your heart and let me pull you out

Open up your heart! Open up your heart
Open up your heart! Open up your heart
Open up your heart! Open up your heart

I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible

Artist- Robyn
Song of the day- Indestructible

I've felt a bit ambivalent about continuing my blog having hit my goal of a year of songs. But several people have asked me about keeping it going, even if it is every once in a while, so I figured my birthday was the perfect time to kick off a new year of musical (and my probable psychological rambles) goodness! I needed the perfect dance beat for my big day which could only be provided by Robyn. She can not only mix excellent lyrics with dance beats, but performs them with a full orchestra at a peace conference. If there was any way to bring peace to the world, a good dance song just might be it. So here's to another year older and the hope of indestructibility...

BIRTHDAY SURPRISE!!!
Having gone through 365 songs with me I thought I'd reward you by creating two sweet playlists so you can reflect on sweet jams that got us through the year. Just copy and paste the links if you have spotify!
One is for your holiday delight:
http://open.spotify.com/user/megr2.0/playlist/5ZnG6TO9tPa5AfSLGJDKlZ

The other are the rest of my collection (minus those not found or locked up by spotify):
http://open.spotify.com/user/megr2.0/playlist/3AzTBpTpTaHceVOp8D9oun



I'm going backwards through time at the speed of light
I'm yours, you're mine
Two satellites
Not alone
No, we're not alone

A freeze-frame of your eye in the strobelight
Sweat dripping down from your brow
Hold tight
Don't let go
Don't you let me go

And I never was smart with love
I let the bad ones in and the good ones go
But I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultramagnetic
Not again it's taking over
This is hardcore
And I'm indestructible

Hands up in the air like we don't care
We're shooting deep into space
And the lasers split the dark
Cut right through the dark

It's just us we ignore the crowd dancing
Fall to the floor
Beats in my heart
Put your hands on my heart

And I never was smart with love

I let the bad ones in and the good ones go
But I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultimate
Not again it's taking over
This is hardcore
Ooh and I'm gonna love you like
Like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultimate
Not again it's taking over
This is hardcore
And I'm indestructible

And I never was smart with love
I let the bad ones in and the good ones go
But I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultimate
Not again it's taking over
This is hardcore
Ooh and I'm gonna love you like
Like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultimate
Not again it's taking over
This is hardcore
And I'm indestructible