And you save me

Artist- Gotye
Song of the day- Save me

I was trying to think of a good song for Easter, what should be the most important of holidays to me but often gets overlooked...by me. And though this is a "secular" song every time I hear it reminds me of god. And hearing Gotye perform it live with a clapping audience singing along, it was almost like church this morning. As a Christian I always heard we are supposed to have our "story" our "testimony" the why/how you became a christian and it changed your life. Though what I found being a christian at 6 when for some reason things like god just make sense, or if your a skeptic seems like you really have no idea what you're getting into, either way, I find that I just don't have one story but tons of small moments that brought me to the belief I currently have. However, though I had been a christian for 19years, I do remember the exact moment when god became 100% real to me and changed how I saw christ, how I saw myself, and how i lived my life from that moment on. Now I've been reading "traveling mercies" by a way more talented author whose "story" is much more dramatic, full of drugs and drama and a far more entertaining meeting with god. I actually never told this story cuz if you aren't me it doesn't seem like anything at all.

I was sitting in a missionary class in Montana, thinking about what the hell kind of mistake I had made giving up my totally hip life in LA to sit around with a bunch of naive teenagers trying to explain how to "hear from god." I grew up in a private school, I knew what prayer was and sat impatiently, contemplating how I would make it through two months till I could get to India, hang out with some poor people and try to be inspired enough or whatever to know what to do next, aka grad school, international social work, or run back to LA and forget this ever happened. Meanwhile someone younger than me was standing in front of my desk telling me to close my eyes ask god what he wanted to say to me, and sit around till i got an answer. I rolled my eyes, but realized my own cynicism and prided myself of being an open minded person to most every other culture, religion and lifestyle I should be able to do the same for my own beliefs.

So I closed my eyes trying to figure out how I would even tell if god said anything to me, how I would know it's not just my fiction writer brain making up stories and how long I'd have to do this awkward exercises. I tried to think what I'd think god would say so I would know it was my brain and not God. First I imagined he'd say something like "wow megan you totally gave up your sweet life in hollywood, your own dreams and comfort to go to india and help people. You are so selfless and awesome."...or..."I think you joined a weird cult and made some huge mistake, quietly sneak away while everyone has their eyes closed and get in your car." And as numerous ideas like this circled my mind, I got this weird picture in my head.

I was sitting outside of the classroom on the steps alone. And jesus was crouching down right in front of me, face to face, so close that our noses were almost touching.And both of his hands were cradling my face as he smiled and simply said, "i love you."

Now to the outside eye this is nothing miraculous in the least. And the picture itself wasn't to me either. But it was how I felt. How I could feel his hands holding my face and it was unlike anything I had ever felt in my life. If you know me, or spent enough time with me you will know that I "don't like to be touched" that I have a "phobia of physical contact" and I may have refereed to it as my "opposite love language" in a joking fashion. My shoulders tighten as you hug me and my face becomes an uncomfortable smile. Cuz usually when someone touches me, for reasons I don't know, blocked out, do know and don't want to address, things i've seen or experiences or perceived, the encompassing psyche that is me, makes me feel shame, guilt, fear, uncomfortable, unnatural, unworthy...mostly unworthy. Not in a theatrical, psychologically phobic way, just a whisper enough for me to avoid it.

But in that moment it was the total opposite of anything or thought I had before. I felt pure, and whole, and worthy, and beautiful, and complete, and loved. Not loved that needed to be convinced, or won over, or worked for but free, full, unconditional love and it blew my mind. Even love from my family and friends, though wonderful, could not compare to what I felt that moment. In that moment I knew 100% that god loved me, the way he saw me, believed in me. And that love made me fearless, made me not care about my past, who I thought i was or was going to be. I knew with that love anything was possible, everything was possible. And I also knew why so many people searched for any kind of love they could find, because however small or flawed, it was reflecting what this was.

The funny thing was, was that the teacher in front of the room said that usually the first thing people hear god say to them is that he loves them and I thought how unremarkable that was at the time. But when I really saw and felt it, it changed everything for me, just love. And I knew it wasn't my silly little mind playing games with me because I never told let alone allowed myself to think about why I had this weird little issue with being embraced. And within the 5 months I spent with these crazy people and in india, they hugged me every day, they loved me flawed and in their own flaws every day and I learned to hold them and what an embrace was capable of.

And if you know me now you still might see my shoulders tense and my awkward smile in a hug, but its mostly from years of a defense mechanism still breaking down or my new fear of knowing how much I really need it and not wanting to seem too desperate.

But love is what we are all desperate for. And to have felt love before I could love myself saved me. And if loving others, even with my imperfection and phobias can save others, then it's the most and best thing I can give. It reminds me of a two quotes
"...most of the time, all you have is the moment, and the imperfect love of the people around you.”

And

"Love makes your soul crawl out of it's hiding place"

I hope today especially, love finds you so you may be able to crawl out from where you're hiding



In the mornings
I was anxious
It's better just to stay in bed
Didn't want to fail myself again

Running through all the options
And the endings
Were rolling out in front of me
But I couldn't choose a thread to begin

And I could not love
Coz I could not love myself
Never good enough, no
That was all I'd tell myself
And I was not well
But I could not help myself
I was giving up on living

In the morning
You were leaving
Travelling south again
And you said you were not unprepared

And all the dead ends
And disappointments
Were fading from your memory
Ready for that lonely life to end

And you gave me love
When I could not love myself
And you made me turn
From the way I saw myself
And you're patient, love
And you help me help myself
And you save me
And you save me
Yeah you save me