Gonna open my heart Right at the scars Listen up

Artist- Kings of Leon
Song of the day- Wait for me

Though, as my friend Travis likes to say, "I love my divas", and would usually rather a dance break over a guitar solo any day, I have a soft spot for a few (or many) real rock bands. Kings of Leon often topping the list. Though they may be known for their drama often over their music, they know what guitar riffs shake my musical loins...that sounded gross but probably accurate. After watching their overly revealing documentary tonight "Talihina Sky" (fascinating), their story of religion, poverty, heartbreak, ego, drugs and guilt come alive in their music. Over the polished tones, something else lives in there. The human story of true soul searching, of falling, and trying, of loving the dark and struggling to get out from under it, always play a part in their albums. Today's song is the epitome of this from their latest record and I have been listening to it at least once a day. Obsessed. It's our constant striving to be better and our inability of perfection that may drive us mad or make beautiful music.

the story


the song


Gonna open my heart
Right at the scars
Listen up
Gonna do what I'm told
Go where I'm told
And listen up
Take a shot in the rain
Walk for the pain
And listen up

I tried all the way...
Wait for me, wait for me
It's all better now, it's all better now
Wait for me, wait for me

Gonna soften the blow
Soften the blow
And give it up
I saw the surprise
The look in your eyes
I gave it up
Gonna be who I am
Be who I am
And give it up

I tried all the way...
Wait for me, wait for me
It's all better now, it's all better now
Wait for me, wait for me
Ah, it's all better now, it's all better now
Wait for me, wait for me
Ah, it's all better now, it's all better now
Wait for me, wait for me

It's all better now, it's all better now
Wait for me, wait for me
Ah, it's all better now, it's all better now
Wait for me, wait for me
Oh, it's all better now, it's all better now
Wait for me, wait for me
Oh, it's all better now, it's all better now
Wait for me, wait for me

Gonna break my rusty cage and run

Artist- Johnny Cash
Song of the day- Rusty Cage

Having been a troubadour for over a year, it's hard to remember how to settle down in a new place. Though much of me was tired of moving every three months or more and longed for a place of my own, the non committal, road hungry side of me still wonders how I'm going to get out of this and fit all the new furniture I just accumulated into my car and keep moving. I'm not quite sure if this is out of habit or the deeper runner inside of me. But sitting in hour long orientations deciding my pension future, 401ks, work compliance, and a bunch of other paperwork sounding words, I keep hearing Johnny Cash singing to me about Rusty Cages. Sure it's time to grow up and plan for my future but there's something about direct deposit that sounds a whole lot less cooler than burning diesel and riding a pack of dogs out of town. For all our rusty cages, this ones for you.



You wired me awake,
And hit me with a hand of broken nails.
You tied my lead and pulled my chain,
To watch my blood begin to boil.

But I'm gonna break,
I'm gonna break my,
Gonna break my rusty cage and run.
I'm gonna break,
I'm gonna break my,
Gonna break my rusty cage and run.

Too cold to start a fire,
I'm burning diesel, burning dinosaur bones.
I'll take the river down to still water,
And ride a pack of dogs.

I'm gonna break,
I'm gonna break my,
Gonna break my rusty cage and run.
I'm gonna break,
I'm gonna break my,
Gonna break my rusty cage and run.

When the forest burns along the road,
Like God's eyes in my headlights.
When the dogs are lookin' for their bones,
And it's rainin' icepicks on your steel shore,

I'm gonna break,
I'm gonna break my,
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run.
I'm gonna break,
I'm gonna break my,
Gonna break my rusty cage and run.

I'm gonna break,
I'm gonna break my,
Gonna break my rusty cage and run.
I'm gonna break,
I'm gonna break my,
Gonna break my rusty cage and run. 

You got the music in you, don't you

Artist- Lana Del Rey
Song of the day- West Coast

Alright let's try this again. I had recently been feeling like I've been missing something in my life, and sure some could argue as a travel nurse that could have been shelter or companionship or somewhere  everyone knows my name. But I've decided it was music or at the very least music would, as it has always done, brought me where I'm supposed to go...or soundtracked that journey. And as I start yet another new chapter in my life I though why not challenge myself yet again with musical daily themes. After all we all need a little pick me up.

Today's song seems fitting as I plant my residential flag yet again on the west coast. Similarly to my feelings for Lana Del Rey, I can't seem to not love the west coast even if I try to. It lures you in with promises of fame and an exciting life where anything can happen but is also  kinda sad and dark and may corrupt you instead of save you but also has something about it that could hold the key to everything. And has something about it worth saving, and worth continually falling in love with. Here's to the west coast and here's to the music in you.



Down on the West Coast they got a sayin'
"If you're not drinkin' then you're not playin'."
But you've got the music, you've got the music in you, don't you?

Down on the West Coast I get this feeling
Like it all could happen that's why I'm leaving
You for the moment, you for the moment, Boy Blue, yeah, you

You're falling hard, I push away, I'm feelin' hot to the touch
You say you miss me, and I say I miss you so much
But something keeps me really quiet, I'm alive I'm a lush
Your love, your love, your love

I can see my baby swingin'
His Parliament's on fire and his hands are up
On the balcony and I'm singing
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, I'm in love

I can see my sweet boy swayin'
He's crazy y Cubano como yo, my love
On the balcony and I'm saying
Move baby, move baby, I'm in love

I'm in love (I'm in love)
I'm in love (I'm in love)

Down on the West Coast, they got their icons
Their silver starlets, their Queens of Saigons
And you've got the music, you've got the music in you, don't you?

Down on the West Coast, they love their movies
Their golden gods, and rock and roll groupies
And you've got the music, you've got the music in you, don't you?

You push it hard, I pull away, I'm feeling hotter than fire
I guess that no one ever really made me feel that much higher
Te deseo, cariño, boy, it's you I desire
Your love, your love, your love

I can see my baby swingin'
His Parliament's on fire and his hands are up
On the balcony and I'm singing
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, I'm in love

I can see my sweet boy swayin'
He's crazy y Cubano como yo, my love
On the balcony and I'm saying
Move baby, move baby, I'm in love

I can see my baby swingin'
His Parliament's on fire and his hands are up
On the balcony and I'm singing
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, I'm in love

I can see my sweet boy swayin'
He's crazy y Cubano como yo, my love
On the balcony and I'm saying
Move baby, move baby, I'm in love
I'm in love
I'm in love

And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before

Artist- Sara Bareilles
Song of the day- Uncharted

The purpose of this blog has always been to try and at the end of the day for whatever reason to find a song that might lift you up a bit, whether cheerful or sad, you could relate to and maybe make you feel lighter..and also to poor out my own  neurosis in the process. And though there had been many down in the dumps posts before, lately I feel like I've hit new uncharted territory of needing a pick me up desperately. So of late (and literally I mean it's 3:22am) I've been scavenging songs that can help keep me...and hopefully you going through these often rough adult times.
Today's song reminds me of a time in my life when I was contemplating leaving behind the life I had known in California to start a dream completely new and scary and I could quite possibly hate. I drove down to the beach and remember staring out in the ocean for a while and writing something in the sand...and too bad the word wasn't "uncharted" cuz that would now make for a great story. But as I stood barefoot in the sand I remember making that decision that whatever this next chapter brings I'm going for it.
And in those times and the times we feel we are drowning all alone in this particular life chapter it is important to remember that feeling is universal and why songs can be related to. Cuz as alone as we all feel through it, as much as no one can understand what we specifically are going through, songs prove that we aren't alone, that we have all felt it, are feeling it, and can sing along. So let Miss Bareilles and several other fantastically musical friends sing you through this uncharted area.



No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before, this is
No broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, too much to hold, everybody wants has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
Stuck under this ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

La la la-a-a-a.
Oh-h-h.

Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So alone, Never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started,
Oh-h
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...
La la la-a-a-a.

you can't explain away the way I feel

Artist- Mark Foster, A-Trak, Kimbra
Song of the day- Warrior

If I had a current anthem it would be today's song that has been on repeat non-stop since Converse released the free track the beginning of this month. I had already pre-planned my obsession with the song, for once you mix my favorite shoes, foster the people and kimbra, I'm pretty much guaranteed to like it. But I cherished it even more after reading Kimbra's reasoning behind her lyrics, "There's a war-cry at the heart of this song that I feel strongly about.... Will we raise our men and women to be strong in heart & 'to cry for the ones they love'? Or just automated to be strong in body and mind, but lacking in empathy? Hold onto your light.... follow it to the end... and fight the man! Preferably with a roundhouse kick to the face in a Luchadore mask and spandex leotard!!!"

Being a spirit first kind of person I embrace the war cry mentality and for weeks had decided this was my 'fight the man' mantra. Till today while I was running to the song and realized I WAS 'the man'. Having a difficult past few months of adjusting to a new job of facing people's emergent / traumatic events on a daily basis, the death of a dear old friend, and surprise intense surgery for my mother, I realized my immediate go to reaction was to push it down. As is usually how I react to dealing with any type of feelings. This false belief that in order to be strong you have to turn off your emotions will catch up with you in the end and or leave you crying in a grocery store at 10:30 at night while you are searching for whole clove spices....not that that is a specific example from my own life or anything.

The whole point of today's song is about embracing the emotional, spiritual side of ourselves and how it is the true source of our strength. Our hearts, our empathy, our light inside of us is magical. So here's to our softer side that makes us warriors, this mantra is for you.



My hands are tired
But my eyes are open
This modern denial

Has me broken

Nothing mystical

No hullabaloo
Just chemicals

And noone looking down on you

What am i thinking? (If you're so sure it's rational)
While the worlds shrinking? (but that don't make it logical)
What am i thinking? (If you say i'm just an animal)
I feel like I'm sinking (you can't explain away the way I feel!)

You're just pushing me down, pushing me down, pushing me down
(They tell you 'Trust your head, be like men' but never feel like you're good enough)
You're just crushing me down, crushing me down, crushing me down
(They wana take our light, make us fight, but never cry for the ones you love!)

(I'll be your warrior, warrior)

You're taking over
And I'm feeling small
When I was a child

I knew it all

Nothing magical

No hologram behind the door
Just a chain reaction

But I know i'm made for more!

What am i thinking? (If you're so sure it's rational)
While the worlds shrinking? (but that don't make it logical)
What am i thinking? (If you say i'm just an animal)
I feel like I'm sinking (you can't explain away the way I feel!)

And you're just pushing me down, pushing me down, pushing me down
(They tell you, 'Trust your head, be like men' but never feel like you're good enough)
You keep crushing me down, crushing me down, crushing me down
(They wanna take our light, make us fight, but never cry for the ones you love!)

And you're just pushing me down, pushing me down, pushing me down
(You wana change the world, but your girls will be seen and not be heard!)
You just crushing me down, crushing me down, crushing me down
(They wana take our light, make us fight, but never cry for the ones you love!)

And you save me

Artist- Gotye
Song of the day- Save me

I was trying to think of a good song for Easter, what should be the most important of holidays to me but often gets overlooked...by me. And though this is a "secular" song every time I hear it reminds me of god. And hearing Gotye perform it live with a clapping audience singing along, it was almost like church this morning. As a Christian I always heard we are supposed to have our "story" our "testimony" the why/how you became a christian and it changed your life. Though what I found being a christian at 6 when for some reason things like god just make sense, or if your a skeptic seems like you really have no idea what you're getting into, either way, I find that I just don't have one story but tons of small moments that brought me to the belief I currently have. However, though I had been a christian for 19years, I do remember the exact moment when god became 100% real to me and changed how I saw christ, how I saw myself, and how i lived my life from that moment on. Now I've been reading "traveling mercies" by a way more talented author whose "story" is much more dramatic, full of drugs and drama and a far more entertaining meeting with god. I actually never told this story cuz if you aren't me it doesn't seem like anything at all.

I was sitting in a missionary class in Montana, thinking about what the hell kind of mistake I had made giving up my totally hip life in LA to sit around with a bunch of naive teenagers trying to explain how to "hear from god." I grew up in a private school, I knew what prayer was and sat impatiently, contemplating how I would make it through two months till I could get to India, hang out with some poor people and try to be inspired enough or whatever to know what to do next, aka grad school, international social work, or run back to LA and forget this ever happened. Meanwhile someone younger than me was standing in front of my desk telling me to close my eyes ask god what he wanted to say to me, and sit around till i got an answer. I rolled my eyes, but realized my own cynicism and prided myself of being an open minded person to most every other culture, religion and lifestyle I should be able to do the same for my own beliefs.

So I closed my eyes trying to figure out how I would even tell if god said anything to me, how I would know it's not just my fiction writer brain making up stories and how long I'd have to do this awkward exercises. I tried to think what I'd think god would say so I would know it was my brain and not God. First I imagined he'd say something like "wow megan you totally gave up your sweet life in hollywood, your own dreams and comfort to go to india and help people. You are so selfless and awesome."...or..."I think you joined a weird cult and made some huge mistake, quietly sneak away while everyone has their eyes closed and get in your car." And as numerous ideas like this circled my mind, I got this weird picture in my head.

I was sitting outside of the classroom on the steps alone. And jesus was crouching down right in front of me, face to face, so close that our noses were almost touching.And both of his hands were cradling my face as he smiled and simply said, "i love you."

Now to the outside eye this is nothing miraculous in the least. And the picture itself wasn't to me either. But it was how I felt. How I could feel his hands holding my face and it was unlike anything I had ever felt in my life. If you know me, or spent enough time with me you will know that I "don't like to be touched" that I have a "phobia of physical contact" and I may have refereed to it as my "opposite love language" in a joking fashion. My shoulders tighten as you hug me and my face becomes an uncomfortable smile. Cuz usually when someone touches me, for reasons I don't know, blocked out, do know and don't want to address, things i've seen or experiences or perceived, the encompassing psyche that is me, makes me feel shame, guilt, fear, uncomfortable, unnatural, unworthy...mostly unworthy. Not in a theatrical, psychologically phobic way, just a whisper enough for me to avoid it.

But in that moment it was the total opposite of anything or thought I had before. I felt pure, and whole, and worthy, and beautiful, and complete, and loved. Not loved that needed to be convinced, or won over, or worked for but free, full, unconditional love and it blew my mind. Even love from my family and friends, though wonderful, could not compare to what I felt that moment. In that moment I knew 100% that god loved me, the way he saw me, believed in me. And that love made me fearless, made me not care about my past, who I thought i was or was going to be. I knew with that love anything was possible, everything was possible. And I also knew why so many people searched for any kind of love they could find, because however small or flawed, it was reflecting what this was.

The funny thing was, was that the teacher in front of the room said that usually the first thing people hear god say to them is that he loves them and I thought how unremarkable that was at the time. But when I really saw and felt it, it changed everything for me, just love. And I knew it wasn't my silly little mind playing games with me because I never told let alone allowed myself to think about why I had this weird little issue with being embraced. And within the 5 months I spent with these crazy people and in india, they hugged me every day, they loved me flawed and in their own flaws every day and I learned to hold them and what an embrace was capable of.

And if you know me now you still might see my shoulders tense and my awkward smile in a hug, but its mostly from years of a defense mechanism still breaking down or my new fear of knowing how much I really need it and not wanting to seem too desperate.

But love is what we are all desperate for. And to have felt love before I could love myself saved me. And if loving others, even with my imperfection and phobias can save others, then it's the most and best thing I can give. It reminds me of a two quotes
"...most of the time, all you have is the moment, and the imperfect love of the people around you.”

And

"Love makes your soul crawl out of it's hiding place"

I hope today especially, love finds you so you may be able to crawl out from where you're hiding



In the mornings
I was anxious
It's better just to stay in bed
Didn't want to fail myself again

Running through all the options
And the endings
Were rolling out in front of me
But I couldn't choose a thread to begin

And I could not love
Coz I could not love myself
Never good enough, no
That was all I'd tell myself
And I was not well
But I could not help myself
I was giving up on living

In the morning
You were leaving
Travelling south again
And you said you were not unprepared

And all the dead ends
And disappointments
Were fading from your memory
Ready for that lonely life to end

And you gave me love
When I could not love myself
And you made me turn
From the way I saw myself
And you're patient, love
And you help me help myself
And you save me
And you save me
Yeah you save me

You know there was death in Tallulah, Don't turn your eyes away

Artist- Company of Thieves
Song of the day- Tallulah

As you may have caught on, I am a big fan of female rockers. And one of the most underrated and under enjoyed is for sure Genevieve Schatz and Company of Thieves, which I was able to dance around like an idiot to with strangers tonight at their hometown concert. Schatz hits the bulls eye in vocal stylings and bad ass stage presence that has you dancing non stop and also feeling every lyric in their unique musical compositions. I have already fallen head over heals with their new album, especially today's song. The passed two weeks of sleepless nights worrying about my problems, my friends' problems, the world's problems (documentary Darfur marathon is a bad idea, lesson learned) and I began to get quite overwhelmed, as I do. But what I am continually taught will sound like my normal cliche B.S. But I think is best explained by today's song. Schatz explained that this song was written while they were on tour in Tallulah, LA. The entire town was abandoned, decayed and overwrought with death and at first they were frightened and sad at what surrounded them, but when they looked closer they saw the earth was reclaiming it. Vines were growing around blown out windows and greenery and life was slowly making its way back. So instead of a tragic song about a forgotten town, Tallulah is a celebration about life. So if you are feeling forgotten, overrun, and overwhelmed, this song is for you. Look closely, wait and see, don't turn your eyes away cause celebrating what you will overcome is worth the wait.



Soon there will be an excellent concert version of this song but till then, so you can appreciate the amazingness that is Company of Thieves:


We didn't have the money to tear it down, down
We didn't have the money to build it uh, uh, uh, uh, uh uh uh up
We didn't have the funding to make a name for ourselves?
What did you do?

Ooh girl. Be my girl!
You know there was death in Tallulah,
Don't turn your eyes away
Ooh girl! Be my girl!
You know there was death yeah

We didn't have the money to tear it down, down
We didn't have the money to build it uh, uh, uh, uh, uh uh uh up
We didn't have the funding to make a name for ourselves?
What did you do?

Ooh girl. Be my girl!
You know there was death in Tallulah,
Don't turn your eyes away
Ooh girl! Be my girl!
You know there was death yeah

Nothin' to see, or to learn, or to sell, or to send, or receive anymore
Ain't nothin' to see, or to learn, or to sell, or to send, or receive anymore
No one's home! Ain't no one home anymore.
No one's home!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ooh girl. Be my girl!
You know there was death in Tallulah,
Don't turn your eyes away
Ooh girl! Be my girl!
You know there was death yeah

You know, You know.
You know, You know!
You know, You know,
You know, You know? Yeah!